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June 17th, 2009
05:20 pm - The one where i tried again.
Remember the summer with that Natasha Beddingfield song? Back when we used to do High/Low? Remember the field and that park and the way i always pretended to trip and how no one ever fell for it? Remember text messaging and the fry n pan and duck duck goose? Remember that kid Wayne that I hated? Seriously who names their kid Wayne? Remember hiding in my porch when people came to do the door? My mom never knew and now she probably doesn't care. Remember the night with the fireworks and the star wars? Remember my flannel shirt and kissing outside the screen porch and how i never wanted to kiss you again. Remember how you just sort of get used to kissing someone. I hate (love) that. Remember remember remember REMEMBER?
.....starting to forget... I'm over this.
I think I'm dying and I'm only half kidding.
"Which shoes go good with these pants?"
"Holy crap you have other pants?"
I do. I have other pants.
"Are we friends or what?"
"You know we are, Baby."
and then I smiled because there was nothing left to do.
I can't write these anymore. I actually hate all of them. No one is here anyway.
I am happy.
Some days.
Please come. (back)
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February 7th, 2009
12:33 am - The one with that Paul movie.
Who was I writing these for and where did he go? My feet are cold and I'm in love with your story.
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November 5th, 2008
02:57 am - the one where we watched the news all night.
Today i bought a wii condom, threw out my dick pumpkin and Obama got elected president.. Today was definitely not a waste.
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July 2nd, 2008
12:49 am - the one where we "roughed it"
Absolutely no one in site but the guys with the loud bass, a tabby cat and the park ranger. Sometimes we "rough it" and its perfect.
Sometimes.
the dawgies.
beans with a knife
When you rough it, you can still play animal crossing. its written in the laws of the land.
the puppy "lean to"
easier to see a dog in the dark with a glowstick around their neck than without.
and after all the burgers and the whiskey and the rain and the canoing, we came home and showered...
Current Music: the decemberists
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June 24th, 2008
12:47 am - the one with the old modest mouse songs and the too thick burgers with light mayo.
There was the he who always said "chip and cheese" and "ssssssssssss'd" a lot (he got that from me when we were younger) and the he who didn't say much of anything at all but in the prettiest way possible. that one always remembered the stories i told him and the skirt i wore on her day two summers ago...
those are the only other ones that ever mattered..
i'll take the dogs out if you do the dishes and one day a few months down the road we'll say things we really mean...
in the mean time, have you seen my phone?
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January 18th, 2008
08:06 pm - the one with the good soup and the burnt tongue.
I made it as long as i could in that tiny little apartment exactly like mine before it got too awkward and sad and i took my doggies and went home.. home where i looked online at costs of living and videos of dogs singing (and thats first time i've ever done that, ever.) Maybe i shouldn't have helped her make that big purchase but i just wanted her to be happy. (like angela chases dad does) That was the day i hit myself in the face with a leinenkugels canoe and just barely escaped a black eye using a frozen 12 oz ribeye and the day i taught Piper to sit...
A lady on the radio this morning says to wake up on the left side of the bed if you want to be happier but who wants to be happier, right?!
Current Music: Devendra Banhart - tell me something
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January 14th, 2008
11:19 pm - The one where i grabbed his ketchup.
He was a legend for those few months and even though he didn't say much, everyone here knew who he was in relation to me and i liked it that way... Now that's done and people are having babies and i don't read nearly as much... Someday i'll see him and there will be hugs. Until then, I'll remember how i used to hump things and watch a lot of friends...
Yesterday i would have told you (if you had asked, and you probably would have) that being married in the future didn't seem like a viable option for me. Today I'll tell you that contrary to yesterdays statement, (Remember, you DID ask) I will be getting married. Oh yes, I will be marrying a dog handler/trainer.. I will sit on the sidelines and watch as he and our (mostly black) border collie compete in disc flying events and freestyle dance to music i have picked out. At the end of the night he and i, along with Veda, Piper, and our (mostly black) border collie will retire in a king sized bed filled with down pillows. We'll both say i love you and I'll turn out the light.
If that's not gonna fit into your schedule then I'm sorry. (kind of)
Think I wanna move away and dance around in a new city.
TU PAC!
Current Music: Cat Stevens
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November 28th, 2007
05:51 pm - the one where i had a five star day.
when the sun went down that night, this is what i said...
my horoscope says not to be alone today and you absolutely have to do what the fargo forum horoscope says. you just have to.
still waiting for my company.. and blowing my nose.
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August 28th, 2007
01:50 am - the one where he got his things.
i could tell you about the day with the girl laying on the pavement and how it was all my fault or about the night i made "meatie sketties" and he got sick. i could tell you about the night with sparklers and bloody marys cause he was real nice that night and its definately worth remembering. i could tell you about my (our) shoes and about how she buys the ugliest clothes ive ever seen but has the prettiest smile so that purple blouse matters little. i could probably even tell you about the day it rained and how it took them forever to light the unity candle or about how i knew the lady drawing us was having the most fun she had probably had all day. i could tell you a lot about this summer but i won't.
instead i just wanna say its alright even when it isn't and i enjoy your company. lets plant a tree together.
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May 30th, 2007
11:20 pm - the one where she brought the wrong dessert.
"its been awhile since ive seen you" is how she started out this ten minute session.. she commented on my shoes and my jeans (yours) and my smile.. i will not be coming back here and i will not need your prescriptions anymore" is what i told her but in a nicer way.. i won't miss how quiet her office always was or the unnecessary tape recorder she always had going... i will, however, miss the highlights magazines and the bowl of werthers originals on that fancy oak desk that no one ever sat at.. on my way out i didn't get a reminder for next month on a bright colored business card.... i just said goodbye and left.
we walked a little and talked a lot and it really was as comfortable as i wished it was....... a year ago. i actually believe that you're sorry this time and i believe you have tools but im scared of hammers near my finners and i don't even know what a wrench does... this is pretty messy and im sorry so lets play a game and eat things instead.
no one knows i was there at that place with that box and those beers... no one knows we talked about mixed cds and birthday cards and how those clothes smelled like basement... no one knows and i like it that way. whatever, lets just put these candy bars in order from yummiest to yuckiest and ill teach you the difference between plaid and flannel..
lets go where the downboys go...
Current Music: the casket lottery - since you
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April 26th, 2007
01:25 am - the one with princess conseula banana hammock
remember the time jesus called me and gave me directions to the ghetto where i dropped my phone in a hole next to a half pig half wolf and how i really did want to change my name to poptart but kay refused to call me that? i met a man who pronounces orange "oyange" and swears by coors light and how it never gets warm. that guy's probably. . . rad.
im aware of the wiener dog in the kitchen listening to rap and i don't know why my eyelashes are this long, why are your hands that small? you'd have laughed if you were there that night cause i know you.. three tupacs, two coolios and i suppose you don't hunt or fish?
we're way better at being this way so lets keep on... give me your hand and i'll show you how to dance on this coffee table and when we're done and all the fun has been had, i'll see you when i see you next so don't worry about anything...
its all the same, only the names have changed.
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April 21st, 2007
09:59 pm - the one where girls rock your boys.
if you guess what's in my mouth you can have it, she tells me... things will never be boring as long as she's here and she loves him for the same reason i do which i like. if i could write a song about this i would.. about penny games and perkins.. about free cappuccino and tony the milk guy.. about puppies and how they tilt their heads when they're confused.. about birthdays and flowers.. about coffee table dance parties and broccoli with cheese. american, not colby... i don't know who he's trying to fool.. drinking with your dog is still drinking alone.
heres to quarter century birthdays and gross wine. i love you aaron.
Current Music: just listen to the music and the traffic in the city
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April 9th, 2007
02:01 am - the one where she wouldnt go away...
at first i saw him which made me excited because usually seeing him means seeing you and i was right.... my hand tells you hi because its loud in there and a touch is sometimes more effective... i keep going.. the bathroom seemed further away then it usually did.... in it there were three girls waiting.... one that kept to herself and two blonde girls in nice sun dresses... her and i keep our casual conversation going while waiting to pee... i don't know why we seemed excited or happy but we were, i do know that much.... on her way out, one of the pretty sundressed blonde girls says with a smile "your energy is so contagious. i will forever have a good night because of you." i smiled really really big and hugged her but not in that girly "i'll miss you until i see you tomorrow type hug" but a real one... not a minute or two goes by and she's brought another friend into that already crowded and smaller then average bathroom... "these are the girls i was telling you about" and we all kept doing it... kept smiling.. kept laughing.. kept living..
i wish you were still there after my ten minute session in the bathroom so we could have at least spoke.. you weren't and that's okay.. i hope you had a wonderful night.
i'll try and keep these short from now on because by "she" i meant me.
Current Music: damien rice - cheers darlin
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March 15th, 2007
09:55 pm - the one where i noticed
I guess i'll just do it like this then.
someone should take care of the mounds of dead flower petals that have fallen on the counter that have your name all over them.. someone should but someone won't cause someone is me and i don't do things like that... it's not about the tips yo, its about the post it notes and i got 'em so don't sweat. something is wrong cause we've never done one of those strip pictures and like him, i love those strip pictures more then i love most things. i think ill get a pair of bright colored chef pants and you'll fall in love with me all over again... or maybe for the first time.. either way, you'll never leave me cause who leaves a girl in chef pants?
maybe i'll live here and maybe i'll move. maybe i'll live alone in a small place with different colored walls and maybe ill start shaving my legs.... maybe.
i could love this...
Current Music: neutral milk hotel - two headed boy
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January 6th, 2007
07:07 pm - the one where i remembered.....
two thousand and six
Remember how it started with me spilling in his room and cleaning it with my sock... and then the kiss..
Remember tuesday tea nights.
Remember everything starting out in a pure and honest way.
Remember "if thats your dick then you have a really wierd feeling dick.. DICK."
Remember Poison in the rain.
Remember the ghost town that wasnt even a ghost town. the timing was good that night.
Remember teaching my mom how to use T9.
Remember sleeping (hiding) on the bathroom floor in jamaica.
Remember Tina.
Remember chasing each other around the island top a lot.
Remember how i lied while folding clothes in the laundry room... i hate that i did that.
Remember her 21st birthday easily being the best day all summer.
Remember "TASH! you can't hump the new girl yet."
Remember Mike.
Remember the old man that kissed my cheek and the feeling i got when he rested his hand over mine as his wife smiled and cleaned up the mess from the ribs they had shared for dinner that night.
Remember "HANNAH, im smokin a cigarette!!!" and how that wasnt even the worst idea i had that night... although, it is close.
Remember loving him.
Remember "just close your eyes, open your mouth and swallow."
Remember all the baked potatoes.
Remember how cold that bathroom floor was.
Remember brandys wedding.
Remember hating him.
Remember the appleseed cast.
Remember the only time Rooters will probably ever be worth going to.
Remember "thank god you have barbies in, i was worried you'd be out"
Remember Joan Jett and stealing from the guitarist.
Remember being so nervous to walk through the gate at bob dylan and holding his hand tighter than anyone has ever held anyone elses hand... ever.
Remember getting Veda Pants.
Remember singing american pie in my room together and smiling a lot more then normal.
Remember poop-tchouli and how im GONNA write about it.
Remember not being scared to go to the emergency room with her.
Remember "train me in bitch, train me in!"
Remember finding everything out on one colder then average tuesday night in august.
Remember how she'd come out with me but only if i promised not to be too weird.
Remember how much better it got the day we moved out of there and into here.
Remember Christmas.
Remember the golf course and the noises and how the sky looked and how id never touched the green before.
Remember sleeping through the five months we lived at that terrible apartment.
Remember everyone getting engaged.
Remember only watching friends.
Remember always looking at his feet when he did what he did.
Remember the best sica hollow trip ever and how perfect it was despite those brown paper towels.
Remember putting a tampon in that tree cause we're not at all gross.. or twenty four.
Remember laughing and writing it down. "december fifth. he thinks im great."
Remember taking a trip on my birthday.
Remember taking a night off to remember why i am the way i am and why its always okay... that chest...
Remember how good october was.
Remember buying a moped.
Remember spilling........ just once.
Remember making rockets out of mentos.
Remember how drunk people DO walk around singing in the rain.
Remember how this list is a lot shorter then last years?
I dont care what it sounds like, it was good. i promise.
( wish you were there..... )
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December 28th, 2006
10:38 pm - the one where i woke up better.
i think it happened sometime between it being her fourty fifth birthday and her being that drunk and having one of my best friends tell me how excited she was to wear her new "cute top" out the next night because for as long as i've known her, she's never once cared about "cute tops." the whole time it felt like everyone was in search of something that they'd never find.. only they didnt know it so the search kept on... from one bar to the next.. and to the next.. and it literally stops at three cause we're all too young to wanna hang out at any other bar.... but then it starts over again and all in a nights time....
"let them take the shuttle, we'll walk." so we walked a lot and ran a little and she held on to my hand in a way that hurt cause she doesnt do it like i do....
i left there and by "there" i mean that town in tears.... the world is fucked up and immoral and i couldnt handle it and i wasn't kidding.. "i refuse to live in a world like this" i told her. people are out living their lives and making really bad decisions... they're all out getting wasted and hitting on people then going home and burning the popcorn... they're pretending to commit suicide to get attention in an effort to save an already failed relationship.. theyre having sex with strangers and skipping the medication they supposedly need to stay emotionaly stable... they're marrying people they don't love and having kids the same way and it's all supposed to be okay because everyone is doing it...
she told me what i told her last month... "tash you can't take on the pain of the entire world or you'll break.." at the same time that i couldnt hold a straight face and keep it together, she couldnt either but for differnet reasons.. hers were about frogs and global warming or maybe the stress of tests in themselves...
and then it was this morning.. and just like that, everything was good again.. i mean, really good... i was going north on university and the first, no, the second bjork song i ever started to like was playing.... in front of me was a toyota 4runner with two bumper stickers. one that read "practice random acts of kindness" and the other, "life is good." when i caught up to them, a blonde lady in her mid fourties gave me the most genuine smile and it was then that i had to turn off but its fine cause her smile followed me.... it followed me down that less icy then normal interstate and to the cenex gas station to get a cappucino (half french vanilla, a quarter chai and a quarter white chocolate caramel) where the lady working was abnorally nice in a really good way.... as soon as i got in my car i decided it was time to quit that job... it was time to make more things worth remembering happen and spend more time with people worth knowing... time to learn to love better and know you more... it was just, time.
( this is an alarm call so wake-up wake-up now. )
Current Music: j tillman - i will return
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November 27th, 2006
07:13 pm - the one where i was normal.
it was around three thirty that night that i decided to stop being crazy cause god do i hate crazy... she was coming up the stairs as i was going down.... im sarah and im sleeping here she tells me... i smile and say okay but keep going... i have nothing to say.. she didnt look good but neither did i so what does it matter... by the time i got to the door i stopped being crazy...
right?
when i dropped them off he hugged me and she kissed my cheek... i love you and not in a drunk way, she says... i love you too but dont cry i say..
those guys are old enough to be grandpas but i love that they are a part of everything that happens and we have pictures to prove it.... i know about the day he met his wife and that they were both eighteen and in costume... how they pretended to know each other before they did and how he lifted his arms up real high.. i know about how his son dated tremel back in elementary school and that they kissed and how he used to be an alcoholic.. they know that my plans for thanksgiving were grilled cheese and tomato soup like always and that i got a new pet.. they know about how i broke my lease for personal reasons and how we say we're lesbians cause sometimes there's nothing else to say.. what they dont know is how important they are in that booth with their diet cokes and old man sweaters and stories about meeting wives and telling people to fuck off when they were kids.. what they don't know is how everytime i see them i get that "nothing-could-ever-go-wrong-cause-look-at-these-guys-go" feeling. what they don't know is that they make it all okay....
what happened last year was amazing and thats yours and you can keep it.... i can do magic if i want to so fuck you guys and dont be so serious all the time.. eat a dick and when you're done, lets hang shit up and listen to hair metal.
and stop being gross.. guys dont like it.
cause thats important along with good jobs and money.. shiiiiittttt.
put your life on hold as we interest one another.
Current Music: placebo - runnin up that hill
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October 29th, 2006
10:48 pm - the one with the guy and the curb and an empty bottle
as she grabbed paper towels from the paper towel dispenser which was running low (i know from the flashing red light) she looked down at me... "do you need anything?" i must have managed to get out the word "no" cause she left soon after.. during the time that it took, six different girls walked in, two with really ugly shoes and one wearing a movie theater uniform... one of them didnt wash her hands but i didnt blame her.. this would be pretty awkward to see, im sure.. there were sixty five small tiles going the long way and i wanna say the bathroom floor was colder then i would have thought but i dont know that ive felt many other bathroom floors to compare it to... im sure they're all pretty cold... on the way to find my car i heard a song i really liked and he talked about how his mom hates daylight savings and this was all pretty good cause anything was better then that cold and quiet floor and that almost empty paper towel dispenser.
i had more fun at that place then i thought i would and i made sure the table was steady enough to dance on before doing so.. it was and so i did and that sounds racier then it is, i promise... mostly it was just me and people that i know and love so it was fun and okay to do... then again, when have i ever had enough tact to not be doing or saying what i shouldnt do or say so what does it matter? that guy with the clown face was nicer then most people are when they see what he saw and that makes me happy and sad at the same time...
lets be better.. lets not do this to each other anymore.. lets just laugh with our friends and eat chinese food on sundays... ill do what it takes to make it okay for the guy on the road and the lady at the store because what else do i have to do with my time...
i love you.
( i like you crazy... you're crazy )
Current Music: the appleseed cast - we are
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October 23rd, 2006
02:28 am - the one with the letter and the long drive there
my love,
i cant tell you how much i love october and use words to have you actually understand what it feels like to wake up here and now because im not that good at writing. i will, however, tell you that i went to a wedding yesterday in island park and it was amazing and untraditional and honest and everything that i feel like weddings should be.... ive never been a wedding where people could smoke during the five minute ceremony and swear and not feel bad about it.... also, it was just the way i would have wanted things with the leaves and the scarves and the sunlight being just how it was... afterwards we played in the leaves because what else would aaron and i do on a saturday afternoon?
i also wanted to say that i love how lyndsey keeps her toothbrush here because we have water and she doesnt and also that jess is our neighbor cause its fun to make things late at night with her and watch her walk over here but god i hate her dog.. i cant get enough appleseed cast right now which is fun because it feels like good fall music....
last week we went to sica hollow and it might have been the best sica hollow trip that ive been on yet and there's been five of them. (three with aaron serena and a random and two with tabb) everything was perfect even though that rest stop had the brown paper towels that i can't stand the smell of... the mix that aaron made and the tampon we stuck in that tree and the way serena wasnt THAT scared of the spider and how we all talk together made it what it was and what it was, was perfect..
today we went to the pumpkin patch and i won two potato sack races and lost one and we signed our names to the orange wood like we did last year but in a different spot since tina wasnt with. i drank cappuccino and bought you a little pumpkin cause i wished you were there too. on the ride through the woods on the horses a little boy and girl were fighting and mom looked annoyed so i asked them if they had picked out a pumpkin yet.. they stopped fighting long enough to look confused and answer my question but that was enough. the little boy had the prettiest blue eyes ive ever seen... speaking of, on the way there lyndsey and i sang that song "the bluest eyes in texas" but no one else did cause no one else likes that song...
And that was all last week...
and today i lost my I.D. and i swore up and down that the black bag laying in the middle of seventeenth ave was an overly large transformer that fell out of a red chevy pick up truck... coulda been white.. i dont know.. im assuming it was red... doesn't matter since it ended up just being a garbage bag anyway...
i'm just trying to make things easier and lighter and make this a more fun time for us to remember.. i want you to be a part of everything that happens and every picture i take..
anyway, tonight sucks and nights almost never suck.... lets fall asleep together.
( all we've got is right now if you're not goin my way. )
Current Music: the arcade fire - rebellion
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September 12th, 2006
11:02 pm - the one with the sunday night in the park.
its colder then it usually is this time of year isnt it? should i be doing this? but... the stars are so clear.. i shouldnt be doing this. I've never layed on a golf course before... I've never even touched the green.. it's too late to be hanging out if we're just friends isnt it? it's cold.. i need more of the blanket... much more.. we should be going. i can find the big dipper but never the little one... dont touch my hand. definately dont touch my hand. did you hear that? i guess maybe touching my pinky is okay.. no more then that though.. i think it was a bat.. that noise.. it's getting late. but... but.... this is comfortable right now... i like this tonight.. i like, tonight... i can do this... i'll figure out the rest later..
i know what im doing. this won't hurt cause i won't let it.
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napoopa's journal
