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September 3rd, 2011

09:19 pm - The one where we had red lobster for lunch
I think i'll go out tonight. Ive worn the use of sleeping pills and ativan out in the least dramatic way possible. Mostly I just want to sleep to avoid hurting or screaming or making things difficult and i'm doing a fairly decent job.. at least, most days. i still have meltdowns but i've always done that. before though, i had someone to hold me while i did it and maybe we weren't in love or anything but he held tight and he never really let me go. he knew not to cause that would make it worse.. im not hard to read if you really want to read me.

When i'm not sleeping i'm worried that i shouldn't have bought this house. and that i've lost my youth and that i should have moved last year when i was gonna. and that i have cancer. (i wonder when and if i'll ever stop worrying about that one)

I don't know.

Maybe someday you will actually fall in love with me. Or else i'll grow enough whatever, to stop waiting around for it.

Also, i'm leaking.

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July 31st, 2011

10:08 pm - The one where he called me fat and i smiled cause at least he called me something.
And then an immeasurable amount of time had gone by...

Last year around this time, I met a dude i wanted to marry. Well, first i wanted to like, go on a date or two but obviously those two dates would lead to a super awesome wedding and not because i was looking to get married but because i couldn't not marry this one.. We woulda danced because he was the sorta dude i coulda danced with and everyone woulda been jealous because we woulda been the sort of couple that everyone is jealous of.. I can say this after having spent only one night with him because i dont know any better and i like it that way..

Now that I have an actual relationship that has lasted longer than a saturday night on an old dirty couch, its easy to say that I would love to go back. Not because Cody isn't great, but because Cody is real and facing reality is hard when you know you're in two different places. I don't know what to do so i don't do anything. I do know, though, that now i can't dance.

And then I bought a house.. A real house with a lawn that has to be mowed and toilets that get clogged and stairs that need to be vacuumed alllllllll the time because three dogs and a cat will do that to a house.

And then i forgot what it was like to be the sorta girl that he hated. and that i loved..


I'm happy. at least I'm pretty sure I am.

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January 2nd, 2011

10:47 pm - The one where i remembered... again.
I can still remember.. even though i stopped being like this.

Remember what happy tastes like?
Remember when i thought i was a nineties rapper that week?
Remember adventure wednesday? those stand by me boys aint got shit on us.
Remember the ten year reunion that I didn't wanna go to that ended up being, well, perfect?
Remember not dating but getting married... and then never talking again?
Remember "i call not waffle face" and the ruined Christmas tree?
Remember bringing back the Suicide Machines?
Remember the mandatory shit show playlist?
Remember everyone having babies?
Remember having fake boyfriends?
Remember loving our lives?
Remember not crying on my birthday?
Remember that ruined twister board and all those bottles on monday mornings?
Remember "its funnier this way"
Remember one tree hill?
Remember our pie date?
Remember the white pants suit dance?
Remember how many times he said rottermelon and how many times we listened to james brown is dead that night with the crushed no salts?
Remember the night we attempted to Hijack a P and i drove the shit out of that car with my foot?
Remember the day i found my jammies behind the bar?
Remember "i fucking LOVE tonight. i kissed so many strangers!"
Remember his birthday and kissing the cab driver and getting kicked out of that lame bar?
Remember not packing?
Remember the yeast infected sandwhich?
Remember Dazed and Confused?
Remember working at WEfest and actually enjoying it?
Remember holding hands under that blanket while he played us tight jams from Milwaukee and Atlanta?
Remember my first purple goat?
Remember making the spicy shit jello shots?
Remember creeping out... everyone. all the time.
Remember yelling at each other and crying?
Remember the weekend with all that eighties music and the bitch in blue who stole my camera and how she couldn't handle us laughing that hard and left?
Remember my first date?
Remember, "oh.. those are bibles."
Remember having to give up my pipeys?
Remember going sky diving?
Remember that horrible week i stopped living and stopped responding?
Remember P90x-ing your ass?
Remember being a creepy schwinn girl?
Remmeber NOT moving away?
Remember the cowboy game?
Remember kissing in the kitchen... all the time.
Remember "oh god, its not like you're gonna melt."
Remember sleeping till slaughter?
Remember waking up on the floor with all those shoes as pillows?
Remember committing secret felonies?
Remember sex with liquids?
Remember Gin blossoms and how am i all dirty?
Remember all the skeetus bites on my ass and how much trouble i got in?
Remember being snowed in in that small town and watching tha carter with those guys?
Remember visiting him and how when he said see ya later, i knew i wouldn't see him later and hating it.
Remember when that dude was human, he didn't just make salads.
Remember Cher and all the bean bags?
Remember not taking your stupid blanket or your stupid beer cause i didn't wanna hold your stupid hand... and doing it anyway.
Remember kicking ass at the Jim Carey game?
Remember her moms funeral and it making you wanna be a better person?
Remember the penis shaped poop rock?
Remember starting to sleep on a bed again?
Remember getting cat.. and actually liking her?
Remember falling down the whole walk home on the last day of the year and crying about it?

Current Music: okkervil river

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December 19th, 2010

02:59 am - the one with the first sunday funday in awhile
At first it was quiet and i looked at old texts that were both mine and strangers. goddamn they were funny. i sent the one and then that old jawbreaker song came on and just like that, everything got real good again.

It was weird for awhile but as soon as i saw him and kissed him i forgot it was ever weird and ill probably continue to forget. its not real important anyway. we're in this now.

Its fine that people move cause we just throw them going away parties and dance like we used to and call it good. remember i call not waffle face and that old crushed christmas tree and the way we felt on mondays? or how many pieces the twister mat ended up and how pissed off joe would get when the girls didnt pay attention to whatever game he was forcing us to play cause they (we) were too drunk and laughing too hard? meh, fuck that kid.

if you can give it, i can take it.

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November 17th, 2010

02:06 am - The one where i was cold all night and got real weird.
I miss this
and i miss you
and i dont know how to not so here i am.

I wake up happy and i fall asleep happy and its just like before only we're all older and probably drunk but its the same sort of innocent happy that i've always been in love with. its just that now, two for ones don't mean milk shakes anymore and we sorta like it that way. I was content never having shit to do and i liked being able to float down the river and play sims all day if thats what i wanted. That was then and this is now and im alright making vet appointments and saying hey whats up to the valvoline dudes.

I guess i just wanted to let you know that i'm still here and that i still think everything is as pretty as i did then, i just don't have anyone to tell.

Wanna be my someone?

Current Music: brandi carlile - dying day

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July 2nd, 2010

04:24 am - the one where i couldnt block out their conversation and went home.
I will tell you that im pretty happy and pretty lonely at the same time and also pretty drunk. i will also say that this is the first conversation ive had with him that i didnt think about killing myself. then i'm gonna tell you that sometimes people leave and that i always end up alright with it all cause thats how i am so i'll focus on that instead of all the shittyness.
ill tell you that i love the sound of the dogs drinking water and what it smells like when i come home at night.

then im gonna tell you im too drunk to type this and tell you i wish you were here but that asking would be too weird and too inappropriate as we haven't talked in ages and that i'll see you never.

good luck with that.

i know it doesnt look like it tonight but i'm happy.

fuck you.
Current Music: dogs drinking and chewing. yessssss!

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June 21st, 2010

09:57 pm - The one at duffys
Remember the night that started like they used to (the bad way) and ended how they used to (the good way) and i went home and didn't sleep? Remember how i'll never be able to get a hold of him without the webz and oh my god get those birds out of you ears.. Remember what an orgasm sounds like from an old woman and did you just stamp your foot? that's not even the right way to say it and i can't believe you're asking money for that davenport.

Remember that night? That was Sunday and i was in love..

I'm back.
I hope that's alright.
Current Music: pete yorn i guess. why not?

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March 15th, 2010

10:23 pm - The one where I smelled like patchouli and big red.
Had a dream he opened the door to go smoke and a german shepherd and two kangaroos, (mama and baby) ran inside to join the fun. We were all pretty stoked to have more pets here especially since the baby kangaroo could talk. Before the sex, two girls in cheerleader outfits and the boy and his dad drank milk that they didn't know was breast milk cause who buys that shit by the gallon? Either way, they all spit it out almost instantly.

"Why would i put this in my mouth if i can't even chew it?" is what i asked him and he laughed while i bought tickets to brett michaels in the office... I dont know if having fun is the only thing i do well but if it is, I can't complain too much so I wont.

Her friends all acted like i was the best thing to happen to that smokey bar that night and i know that's not true but it didnt work to argue with them so i just let them live through me and touch my hair and ask me about life and what happened with us and would you do him and oh my god, my mother is at this table... I would tell them that its not as glamorous as it seems but they were so happy that i didn't wanna ruin it. Plus, most days, this is pretty fun. I wanna go back there more often but without the celebrity status. (ha)

I said see ya later and smiled at him when i left that afternoon knowing very well with how we are that i probably won't and though i'm not really alright with that, what am i supposed to do? This is pretty hard for me but i'll try and be cool and just have fun with it..

You're pretty good at being wrong.
Current Music: i'm a rocket maaaan.

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February 12th, 2010

02:03 pm - the one where i told those guys i was 22.
"i need a birthday nugget in my mouth," she said... "don't forget the sweet and sour." thats how the night ended and it began about the same but with birthday steak and the waiter hating me which is normal.. "dude, we're all single here, don't bother." You probably had to be there, it was good.

The only present i got was the one from kay full of mac n cheese and chocolate and chapstick and i wouldn't have it any other way. seven years i have asked that lady to come out with us and on this day, my 28th birthday, she finally did. She said she wants hair like mine (gross) and i want a personality like hers and to look like that when im sixty. When she left to get home to her husband, she hugged me and told me she loved me and left me at that huge table alone which i was alright with cause i had my phone and a lot of love to respond to.

I didn't cry this year and the nuggets were good so i'm pretty alright with all of this. Wish you had been here so i wouldn't have danced alone. I'll let you make it up to me, next year.

bye love.


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February 11th, 2010

01:34 am - The one where i didn't care about being sick
I went previous twenty like five times before deciding i was going back there. back there and back then and i can't fucking wait.. you'll see me and i'll be dancing and i'll hug the shit out of you but we probably won't talk much cause there's nothing to say that hasn't already been said. where's my coffee table? meh. fuck it.

She set her alarm and stayed up to call me on my birthday. I love it and i love this and i love you and i never want it to be more. i never want it to be too much to handle and i just wanna play so lets move on and do it.

Five more bruises and a frostbitten foot had to be a good time right?

Smiles from fargo.


Current Music: the avett brothers - murder in the city

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